Friday, December 29, 2006

Harvey's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

#1 -- NO MORE PARTY HATS! I mean, honestly -- I'm a dignified guy and just LOOK at me here!

#2 -- STEP AWAY FROM THE TRASH CAN. You'd think getting my head stuck in it a few weeks ago and suffering public humiliation on this blog would do the trick, but no ..........!!! At the Christmas Open House our friend Ramona caught me dead to rights trying to get tamale wrappings out and I was busted all over again. Maybe there's a chapter of "TA" (trashcans anonymous) I could check out!

#3 -- THE MAIL CARRIER IS YOUR FRIEND. I'm not sure what gets me going about her ... the hat, the bag ... maybe it's her boots ... but my mom says she's the one who brings us packages and catalogues and that I should BACK OFF ... so I'm going to try.

Which brings me to ...

#4 -- THE METER READER. Now that one REALLY makes me nuts and there really isn't any help for it -- so I'm hoping one of the moms will resolve to make sure I'm inside when she comes around in the future so I don't embarrass us all (again.)

#5 -- HUMPING IS AS HUMPING DOES. Our trainer, Lundi, explained that the reason old dogs like me hump young dogs like Luna's hyper friends at the dog park is that we're smarter and calmer and want THEM to calm down and behave so we hump them to dominate them and get them back in line. Great theory -- doesn't work. All it does is get me yelled at and I get enough of that from my other issues. Like ...

#6 -- QUIT MIXING UP THE WATER BOWL WITH THE TOILET BOWL. I don't know why it matters so much to the moms where we get water when we're thirsty but if they've said it once they've said it a hundred times: GET OUT OF THAT TOILET, HARVEY! So I'm going to work on it ... honest. (And they could help on this one by leaving the stupid lid down!)

#7 -- GIVE UP THE HYSTERICAL BARKING. It's not like it does anybody any good ... it just annoys the neighbors and gets my blood pressure up and doesn't make the moms come home a minute sooner from wherever it is they go when they leave me here to "guard the house." I'm gonna try on this one, but no promises.

#8 -- WHEN THEY SAY SWALLOW, SWALLOW. Spitting out the pills might feel like a momentary victory but in the long run they actually make me feel calmer and less frantic so I'm going to turn 2007 into "Better Living Through Chemistry" year and just go with the flow.

#9 -- BE MORE PATIENT WITH LUNA. She isn't a BAD dog, she's just a wild one ... and she doesn't mean to hurt me when she pulls my tail, yanks on my privates and chews on that saggy skin between my ear and my collar ... she just gets kind of full of herself and wants to play, play, play. And at the ripe old age of thirteen to her just-turned-one I'm going to have to be the more patient one. Either that or bite her back.

#10 -- COUNT MY BLESSINGS. Considering that last year at this time they were talking Dog Heaven like it was on my calendar sooner rather than later, I'm pretty darned lucky to still be hanging out at the dog park and snagging treats on a regular basis. Thirteen is positively ancient for a big old coot like me and my moms do their best to keep me active and happy and Luna is actually a great addition to our family ... Lord knows she's raised my activity level ... which more than balances out the occasionally raised blood pressure I'm sure!

So Happy New Year, everybody. Those are my resolutions ... what are yours???????

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